I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
