Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
