at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
