The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
