Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
