i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
