Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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