note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
