1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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