and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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