we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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