We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
