ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
