If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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