she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
