I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize