3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
