Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
