dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
