Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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