if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
