Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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