next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
