and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
