Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
