mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize