Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
