Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
