okay pat passed out under dana's car
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
