Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
