I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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