my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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