And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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