ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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