dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just pee around me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize