Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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