At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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