i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
