Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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