My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
