My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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