90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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