Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He passed out mid-signature
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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