Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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