can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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