saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
