I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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