I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
