I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The chlamydia really affected his face.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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