I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
