i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
