Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
