Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize