Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
