oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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