I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
