every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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