she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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