so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
