No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
