god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
