Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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